THE MUTE POETESS

I’m an oddball at times. Let me explain what I mean: I’m full of contradictions and emotions “in-between”.

I have an urge to speak up, but then I turn suddenly mute. End up not speaking my mind, causing an internal dispute.

The best conversations happen in my head as I wake from a slumber, still fumbling in bed.

But all the words fade away as soon as I stand on my feet. And I make myself proper, all polished and neat.

I search for connections, a human-to-human spark. But as soon as I do, my trolls lurk out from the dark.

“Guard your heart!”, they say, because it’s not safe to share all that’s churning inside and needs to be bared.

I find it hard to tell loved ones when I need their affection, fearing to be “the needy one” that needs too much attention.

It’s a story I learned from who knows what cause, the origin doesn’t matter but the repairing sure does.

This stop-and-go dance of what I need and don’t say is contradicting, you see? If I myself judge may.

So while I keep on discerning which thoughts to believe, my action is to give the love I want to receive.

I’m better at expression, much more than before, so there’s no reason to believe that I won’t continue to grow.

I want to give people I love a chance to love me by learning to express my gut openly and free.

There’s no way to unsee this, it’s a point of no return. Might as well get cosy with discomfort as the trolls crash and burn.

The only person denying me of how I want to be living is me and me alone, there’s no blame to be given.

Enough now, come on, let’s get on with our day. Contradictions be damned, I’ve got dragons to slay.

I am bigger than my trolls, my fears and my hopes, and I will learn to take in the “hell yes’s” and the “nope’s”.

If I don’t stop this poem now, at the drop of a dime, every sentence I speak today will be in a rhyme. Thank you for reading. Wishing you a kickass day.