“Welcome to your new position”, they said. “The job human in relationship has always been a hard one to fill, thank you for taking on the task. You will be working long hours, often without a proper lunch break. Your colleagues and relational subjects often operate in their own agenda, so teamwork is not the standard. But if you organise your time and resources right, human relating could be a very rewarding experience. Do you have any questions?”
My mind started to shuffle through the myriad of questions related to relating in a relationship…but I chose to instead state my conditions. What the hell, I thought, I have nothing to lose. “I am a hard worker in the field of human relationships and I put my job above all else, often burning out in the process. This is not a positive trait, I know, well-being should be a priority, but I want to paint a picture of my diligence. With my skills and talents, I could bring much value to those I relate with. Honestly, you need me here and you know it. There is no one better for the position. However…in my many years of experience, I have come across many potholes on this road of human relationship and wish to not have a bumpy ride again. Can you please put the following caveats in my work contract? The subjects deserve to know my boundaries.”
They hesitated for a moment, not sure about this new turn of events. “Surely, she must be kidding”, they thought, “normally we let the humans act as they please and hope for the best…but maybe she’s on to something here.” And so they let me proceed with my conditions and disclaimers. The list was created and the contract amended as follows:
Dear “partner in crime”, fellow relator, buddy, friend, lover, family member,
There is a long list of tasks that I must fulfil in order for this relationship to be a successful one. I must be present, attentive, kind and compassionate. Make reasonable time for you and take you into consideration. I must be the occasional shoulder to cry on, back to lean on, eyes to admire you with and hand to help you out. I gladly and with ease take on these tasks. Keep ´em coming. However, several tasks do not fall into my competences:
It is not my job to read your mind. I bear many, many skills, but fortune-telling, clairvoyance and mind-reading are not one of them. If I was a mind-reader, I wouldn’t be applying for this job, now would I? I would be making big money with a hit reality show on Netflix. In order for me to know what you want/mean/desire, you need to actually speak. Clearly. Preferably when I am in the room.
It is not my job to constantly keep myself interesting, beautiful and engaging for you so that you can stay attracted to me. Seeing me with fresh eyes is actually your job. As is mine to always see you in new, unexplored light in any way that I can. You are complex enough and interesting as it is. If I open my eyes wide enough, I can always see that. Please do the same for me so that I don’t have to jump through hoops and ornament myself like a peacock for your attention.
It is not my job to praise you every time your self-esteem plummets. And you know it happens often. I will give you praise and admiration when it comes naturally to me, not when you demand it. No matter you gender, you got cojones. And a big pair at that. I’m here to genuinely cheer you on as you find your own strength, but will not offer my back as a crutch.
It is not my job to always ride with you your rollercoaster of moods and behaviours. I get nauseous easily and prefer to wait for you at the popcorn stand and be there to ask you how the ride went.
It is not my job to be a never-changing, stable structure in your life that fits into the exact picture you have of me since day 1. I am human, just like you, and change is a constant. On a daily basis, my skin, cells, atoms change in me, as do my values, ideas and wishes. Let’s meet and re-meet each other every day, again and again. And take it from there. See what naturally emerges without the burden of projection and expectation. It might even be a bigger and grander love than we thought possible.
It is not my job to be all of everything for you at once. Maybe I shouldn’t be your momma if you didn’t come out of my…well, you know. Maybe, just maaaaybe, I shouldn’t be your business partner and your lover. Balance it out. There are billions of us on Earth, someone will surely do the other tasks. Spread the wealth of your complex personality.
You got the gist? My point is, please please please do not outsource to me the inner work only YOU have to do. The nitty-gritty of you personal development tasks cannot be fulfilled by anyone else, not even a professional such as myself. Besides, you don’t really pay much, do you? As a matter of fact, while we are at it, do you mind raising the pay? The peanuts you offer don’t make for a livelihood. Let me get my union to back me up on this one.
Let’s get this business rollin´:)
